


Your Whatever

by AnandaRunner



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blind Date, F/M, I'll take 'adam driver filmography' for $1000 alex, Multi, actually major anxiety vibes, background poe/finn/rose triad goodness, in which ben puts his head up his own ass and then pretends it didn't happen, lots of swearing, mild social anxiety vibes, the romcom au no one asked for, the universe has a cruel sense of irony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2020-03-13 10:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18938902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnandaRunner/pseuds/AnandaRunner
Summary: The "I hit your car in the parking lot and now you're my blind date" modern AU that literally no one asked for.Title from lovelytheband's "Your Whatever"





	1. Chapter 1

**_Saturday_ **

 

“A blind date? Fuck no,” he laughs, incredulous, and takes a long drink of his beer. “You know better. I hate going on dates and I hate meeting new people.”

“Come on, Ben,” Poe replies, shoving at his shoulder. “Finn and Rose and me wanna go for dinner.”

“So, then...go. What’s the problem?” Ben looks at Poe sideways, drags a hand through his hair.

“Well… she’s Finn’s best friend. He hates that she's always getting left out of our date nights. He says she’s pretty and smart and _single_ and you can’t stay single forever either. Meeting _one_ new person won’t kill you.”

“By my count, that's 2 new people,” Ben groans, but throws his hands up in defeat. “Fine, fine. But when she decides I’m an asshole and never wants to see me again and Finn says I ruined your big weird date, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“All right, that’s what I’m talking about!” Poe cheers. “You won’t regret it, man, I promise. Friday, eight o’clock, at Opus downtown.”

Ben downs the last of his beer, then sits up suddenly. “Fucking -- _Opus_? Damnit, Poe. A fucking blind date at a fucking _fancy_ restaurant? You’re lucky we’re friends.”

Poe raises an eyebrow, confusion evident. “What’s wrong with it? You know I love the _au poivre_.”

“Yeah, who doesn’t know that?”

“Then tell me what you’re so bent about.”

“Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not the _fancy_ restaurant type,” Ben says, gesturing to his t-shirt -- one of his favorites, _‘sarcasm_ is my 2nd favorite -asm’ -- faded jeans, and flip-flops.

“Dude,” Poe grumbles, his head falling back against Ben’s couch. “Just go buy something to wear like the rest of us adults.”

 

* * *

  
**_Monday_ **

 

Ben throws the shopping bag into the car, falling heavily into the driver’s seat and pulling the door shut. He drops his head onto the steering wheel and groans loudly.

“ _Damn you_ , Poe,” he says to no one.

 _Shopping is the worst_ , he thinks. _At least the clothes look nice._

He’d beelined for the department store in the mall, desperately pretended not to be lost looking for the menswear, quickly grabbed three broadcloth shirts and a pair of pants in his size, circled back for a belt and shoes, paid and made a hasty exit. Somehow he’d avoided the well-meaning ‘how-can-I-help-you’s of the employees and only bumped shoulders with one woman who grudgingly accepted his mumbled apology. (If she called him a jackass as she walked away, well, he can pretend he didn’t hear that.)

It was probably the most harrowing half hour of his _life_.

Ben sighs, already half-dreading Friday’s dinner. _She’ll think I’m an asshole with nice clothes. Because_ that’s _what’s really important here._

He puts the car in reverse, glancing behind him briefly as his phone pings several times. He unlocks the screen, backing his car out of the parking space as he reads a series of short messages from Poe.

**You better not back out on me, Solo**

**I finally met this girl yesterday and lemme just say**

**Her name is Rey and she’s incredible**

**You flake out and you’ll regret it forever**

“Shit.”

Shifting back to drive, he types his reply one-handed, heading for the parking lot exit.

**Listen I said Id be there**

**Got sum stupid new clothes**

**Quit givin me shit abt it**

He drifts down the lane on autopilot, eyes flicking up to make sure there’s no pedestrians, ready to be done with this whole blind date thing almost a week in advance.

**This better be wagognraofffff**

Metal and fiberglass crunch and screech. His phone slips out of his hand as he’s jolted forward by the impact and nearly hits his forehead on the steering wheel.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he says.

He backs his car up again, wincing at the grinding noises coming from his bashed bumper, then pulls into an adjacent spot and climbs out to inspect the damage.

_This is Poe’s fault -- I should’ve stayed home._

His car, an older Dodge sedan, looks roughly as it did before; only a few missing flakes of black paint hint at a collision.

The damage to the other car, on the other hand, is immediately obvious. The lower rear panel of the blue Prius, from the tire to the bumper, has been crushed inward in a reflection of his own car.

“Fuck. _Fuuuuuuck_.” He looks around, panicking already.

_There’s no one here. No one saw. What if I just…_

He looks around the lot, cautiously stepping back toward his own car and falling into the driver’s seat again.

With one last glance at the little hybrid, he pulls forward through the open parking space and leaves the mall behind.

 

* * *

 

**_Thursday_ **

 

**Tomorrow night, man**

**Tell me you'll be there**

Ben tries again to focus on his book -- he's re-reading Dune, despite the new books in his Kindle, because something about a millennia-long tale intrigues him -- but after his eyes glaze over the same paragraph for the third time, he puts it aside and grabs his phone to reply to Poe’s messages.

**Yes you utter asshole**

**Fancy new fkin shirt n evrything**

**Oh yeah what happened the other day**

**Your last text was really weird**

**Weirder than usual anyway**

The reminder of his shopping trip brings a fresh wave of frustration. _Poe better be right about this girl._

**Wasnt that big a deal**

**Tell u about it tmrw**

**Okayyyyy**

**8 pm**

**Opus**

**Don’t. Fucking. Bail.**

 

* * *

 

**_Friday_ **

 

**You’re late**

**Ben I swear**

**I’m *outside* fuck**

**????????**

**I’m coming out there**

“You don’t have to -- ugh.” Ben locks the screen on his phone and tucks it away in his pocket. He leans on the trash bin and knocks the toe of his shoe against it, the reverberations humming up his elbow and distracting him from the chatter spilling out of the restaurant as the door opens and shuts on a silent hydraulic hinge.

He knows Poe's footsteps. “You can't stand out here all evening,” his friend says.

“Hmm, I think I could,” Ben grumbles.

But Poe is unconvinced. “Everyone else is already here,” he explains.

Ben drags his hand through his hair, his eyes wandering over the gold-painted scrollwork text on the window.

“Fine,” he looks back to Poe as they pass through the doorway, “but you’re buying my first drink.”

Poe takes the lead heading to their table, steering Ben around group after group, before finally stopping at a larger round table draped in a deep red linen tablecloth. Poe gestures to an open chair and continues around to his own.

The man in the seat to his right -- Finn, an old coworker of Ben’s and Poe’s boyfriend -- looks up at him and smiles widely, his hand falling on Ben’s shoulder as he sits. “Ben! It’s been too long, man. What have you been up to?”

“Wo--”

Finn interrupts: “Do _not_ say working.”

He winces, lifting the water glass to hide behind taking a drink. “...Writing?”

Finn smacks his shoulder as Poe gestures to the woman seated beside him. “This is Rose, our girlfriend.”

She waves, smiling. “It’s nice to meet another of Finn’s friends. He’s very picky so it’s hard to find people he likes.”

“Ben and I knew each other years ago,” Finn explains. “We worked together at his dad’s security consulting firm before he left to rake in the big bucks.”

Ben nearly chokes on his water. “Sure, yeah -- _big bucks_. Because wringing every possible word out of my brain is where the money’s at.”

Something slams against the table to his left, and he whips his head around as another woman takes the open seat beside him. “Sorry,” she says, her British accent loaded with anger. “My _goddamn_ car insurance company wants me to pay _five hundred goddamn dollars_ to fix the damage to my car because _that fucking asshole_ at the mall didn’t leave their info.”

She sighs. “Anyway, sorry,” she continues, offering her hand. “I’m Rey.”

He meets her eyes and loses himself in their depth for a second before her words register.

_Fuck. Me._

He hadn’t had time to catch up with Poe since Monday, but even if he had it’s not like he’d have known that the universe enjoyed irony quite this much.

“So?” She takes a bite of the brie crostini and groans quietly at the taste. “Poe says you’re a writer. Anything I know?”

“Ah, maybe,” he starts, meticulously spreading brie and caramel onto the bread to distract himself, “Science fiction adventure, mostly. I was always a fan of _Dune_ so that’s the sort of thing I try to stick with.”

“ _Fear is the mind-killer_ and all that then?” she asks.

 _Poe was right -- smart and pretty_. He grins. “Yeah, just like that. What about you, Rey? What do you do?”

She skewers an apple slice with the tasting fork as if it were prey she had caught. “Ad agency downtown. Editing broadcast copy.”

Ben frowns, dots connecting where he didn't expect them to even be on the same page. He turns toward her more. “Wait, do you--”

Their waiter interrupts, and he loses track of the thought.

 

The rest of the dinner goes wonderfully. Ben orders the _steak au poivre_ at Poe’s suggestion, and Rey gets the citrus glazed salmon, and the five of them share an enormous tiramisu before wandering outside into the warm night.

“This was nice,” Rey says from beside him. Poe, Rose, and Finn are walking ahead of them on the sidewalk, loudly singing a song that Rose had mentioned earlier during their dinner. “Usually it’s just the three of them and I’m left sitting in my apartment watching Netflix.”

He hums agreement. “I don’t go out much myself. People are… too much, sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Rey replies, looking him over.

Her hazel eyes burn into him like she can see his deepest secrets, and in that moment he thinks he might tell her anything she ever wanted to know. He feels caught, willingly trapped, searching her face. He’s pulled in like a moth flying into the sun--

Poe yells at them from a few yards away. “Come on you guys, it’s late!”

They both look away, and the spell is broken.

“Well,” Ben laughs and resumes walking, “we should do this again, I think. On our own, next time?”

Rey smiles, and oh, he’s _doomed_. “I’d like that.”

They catch up to the others next to their car -- _Rey’s car_ , he realizes with a chill -- and for the first time in the last few days someone or something is looking out for him, because his car is parked several spaces down and can’t be implicated by its missing paint.

Finn traces the shape of the dent through the air. “Can’t be an SUV or a truck, or this would be higher.”

“And bigger,” Rose agrees.

“What kind of asshole hits somebody’s car and doesn’t leave a note?” Rey groans. “I wish I knew who it was so I could kick their ass.”

He winces internally. _No one to blame but myself_. He drags a hand through his hair, looking at Rey. “Sounds like they deserve it.”

“Yup. They do. But I don’t want to end on such a depressing note.” She passes him a business card with a phone number scrawled on the back. “Text me. I’m free on Thursday.”

He shoves the card in his pocket without looking at it, waving as his friends all pile into the Prius and pull away, giving him a clear view of the concave panel as they leave.

_I am so, so fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy do I love me some awkward asshole Ben Solo. I act the same way when I go to the mall tbh.
> 
> Opus is a real restaurant, and believe me, the steak au poivre is actually divine. So is the bourbon brie. 12/10 do recommend.
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

**_Tuesday_ **

“Okay, you got this,” he mumbles. “She liked you enough to give you her number. Just hit send.”

The business card bearing her cell number is also emblazoned with the Kyber Agency emblem, but if he ignores it hard enough, maybe it won’t matter.

Maybe.

He hovers his thumb over the send button and takes a deep breath.

_Three, two, one…_

 

**Hey Rey its Ben**

**You said to text so**

******Hey!!! I was wondering if you changed your mind**

**Nah just**

**IDK nerves**

******It’s okay I totally get it**

**We barely know each other**

**Talking to new people is hard**

**Ha**

**Yeah**

**Thx for not bein weird abt it**

******No problem**

**So**

**You wanna go out Thursday?**

 

He laughs to himself. Rey’s very direct, refreshingly so.

 

**Thatd be gr8**

**Any ideas**

**Let’s grab a movie**

**K**

**You pick**

**Surprise me**

**Okay**

**Thursday at 7**

**Paragon**

**Don’t be late!**

**Not on my life**

 

* * *

 

**_Thursday_ **

“A movie called _What If?_ ” he asks.

She nods. “Yep. The guy from the Harry Potter films is in it.”

“Nerd,” he teases.

“You have no room to talk, mister “LLAP” shirt!”

 

They settle on sharing a large over-buttered popcorn and some chocolate, and find themselves leaning further into each other as they watch. More than once their hands collide over the popcorn, and Ben starts to wonder if she’s bumping into him on purpose -- until, as if she could hear this stray thought, she leans her temple against his shoulder and stays there through the credits.

The lights come up and she moves away with a sigh and a stretch, then stands to grin down at him. “We should do this again. You’re not a bad movie date.”

He nearly drops the popcorn as he stands, tries to keep the disbelief from his tone. “Date? This was supposed to be an actual date?”

Rey’s face scrunches into a wider smile and she laughs, “Of course it was -- dates are much more fun when I know what I’m getting into.” She pauses, looking over to the blank screen and back to him before continuing: “But I’ll let you pick the movie next time. Deal?”

“Sure.”

 

The walk from Paragon back to the parking garage seems to last forever yet only seconds as they quote the movie back and forth, then recount how they met their mutual friends.

“Finn and I knew each other as children,” Rey starts, “then he moved. We tried writing letters but eventually lost touch; then social media got popular and I looked him up. I moved here, he introduced me to Poe, and later Rose, and that was that.” 

She smiled over at him. “Finn said you and Poe have known each other a long time?”  
  
He nods, chuckling a little. “Yeah, ah… I’m not sure how long actually. Our parents were friends before either of us was born. We’ve drifted apart more than once, but that was usually my fault. I have a ‘bad habit of holding misplaced grudges,’ according to him.” He drags a hand through his hair. “I guess he’s not wrong, really.”

 

The garage looms over them, the shadows broken by the street lights. “What level are you on?”  
  
She shrugs, then sighs, “My car’s in the shop, so I caught a Lyft here.”

The air around Ben goes very cold, then very warm as his mouth goes dry and his pulse pounds. _I forgot about her fucking car, shit._

“Some asshole at the mall smashed the back end and just,” she makes a wild gesture with one arm, “just fucking drove away.”

“Yeah,” he hears himself say, “I remember you mentioning that at dinner.”

“It’s not going to cost as much as they said at first -- I picked a different body shop -- but it’s still stupid.” She kicks a loose bit of gravel out toward the street. 

 

Ben tries to follow its path across the blacktop road but loses it in the dark. “You want a ride back to your place?”

“You don’t have to do that,” she says, but he can already hear the resigned acceptance in her tone.

“It’s the least I could do,” he insists, and hopes the guilt isn’t all over his face.

 

Rey’s apartment is a little 5th-floor walkup place barely big enough to be called a “one bedroom” in a part of town that looks like it was really nice, once upon a time.

But _inside_ \-- she invited him up to give him cookies, of all things -- she’s filled the little space with artwork and plants and worn-to-pieces books. 

“It’s not much, but I like it here,” she murmurs, and he can feel her watching him take it all in.

“No, it’s… comfortable,” he counters. To him, it looks like a haven, bursting with comfort and peace. “I like all the plants; I’m not good at keeping them alive, myself.”

She smiles, leading him to a cactus in the corner. “Try succulents then. They only need a little water and lots of sun.”

“All I see is something I can accidentally stab myself with… probably not the best idea, if I’m being honest?”

 

Ben turns to look over his shoulder at her, but she’s _right there_ , and not even looking at the cactus anymore.

She’s looking at _him_ : the light dancing in her eyes feels like something sacred, something not meant for him; he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t, but here they are toe-to-toe in her little apartment, and his eyes land on her lips and--

“Rey, I should probably tell you--”

But then her soft lips are against his, and her hands are in his hair, and he’s never been one for self-preservation.

 

* * *

 

**_Friday_ **

**Hey it’s me**

**You prob know that I guess**

**Can you pick me up from work?**

**I know you just gave me a ride last night**

**Wait.**

**I mean…**

***sigh***

**wow.**

**Shut up**

**Didnt say anything**

**ANYWAY**

**Yeah I’m free**

**Time?**

**Um 3pm?**

**I have to meet an insurance guy**

**Sure**

**At Kyber right**

**You need the address??**

**Nah Im…**

**Familiar**

**??**

**Oookay see you at 3**

 

 

He steps through the door of the agency for the first time in years, rhythmically tapping his thumb to the tip of each finger to stifle his anxiety. _1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 3, 1._  

 

“Welcome to Kyber,” the office manager says without looking up at him.

“Hey Connix,” Ben says, doing his best to sound casual.

Her head snaps up at him. “Holy shit, Ben!” 

“Sshhhh, okay?” he cautions, looking around to see if anyone heard. “I’m not… visiting.”

Looking at him skeptically, she questions: “Then… what gives?”

“I’m here to pick Rey up,” he shrugs.

“Holy _shit!_ ”

“For fuck’s sake, _please_ , Kay.”

“Right. Sorry,” she whispers, apologetic. “I’ll uh… I’ll let her know you’re here.”

“Thanks, I’m gonna wait outside,” he says, one hand already on the door, “just in case, y’know?”

She nods, but then frowns. “Are you really not going to talk to your-- to her while you’re here?”

“No, I’m not,” he snaps. “You don’t _have_ to tell her, do you?”

She shrugs. “No, but it’s not like she won’t see all this if she reviews the security footage.”

Ben winces -- he hadn’t even considered that. “Does she check it often?”

“Knowing your luck, today’ll be the day.”

 

Ben’s nearly ready to get back in his car and leave instead of lingering on the front walk of his mother’s office when Rey finally comes outside in a rush.

“Oh thank god, you’re still here,” she says frantically, her hand landing on his upper arm. “Kaydel told me you went outside and I thought you left--”

“Nope, I’m still here,” he smiles at her. “I just needed some air.”

 

The two are halfway to his car when she stops, looking up at him with an expression he can’t quite read. “Thanks, by the way.”

Confused, he asks, “For what?”

“For being here,” she shrugs, smiling softly. “For staying.”

Something in him snaps tight, a rubber band pulled past breaking. “Rey, I--”

 

Her phone rings loudly, startling them both. She looks briefly at the screen and swears before answering. “Hello? Yes, yes, sorry. I’m on my way…” She pauses, and her expression falls. “Oh. Okay. Sorry. Yes, Monday is fine. I’m sorry. Thank you.”

She scowls at the phone as the screen goes dark. “Asshole,” she mumbles.

“Something wrong?” Ben says, despite the obvious _yes_.

Rey shoves her phone back into her bag with a huff. “Does it ever feel like the universe is conspiring against you?”

He laughs -- over her shoulder he can see his car in the guest lot -- and replies: “Only all the damn time.”

 

“The claims assessor complained about _timeliness_ and _being on time is the same as being late_ ,” she says, kicking a rock across the blacktop, “And anyway, he’s cancelled my appointment, so now I have to take off work Monday, too.”

“That’s… really shitty, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” she replies quietly. She shrugs, giving him a frustrated smile. “But don’t worry about me, I’ll get Finn to take me tomorrow. I’ll see you later, Ben. Sorry to bother you.”

“Rey, no,” he catches her hand to stop her leaving. “It’s not a problem, really.”

She turns, her hand still twined with his. “Of course it is, you’re just being _nice_. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I’m not… No, I’m not _nice_ , Rey,” his heart is racing, but he can’t stop the words tumbling free. “And I do owe you.”

“What is that supposed to mean, Ben?” Her hand slips free and he doesn’t even try to reach for her again.

His pulse rushes in his head -- he hadn’t meant to confess, but now she knows something is up, and…

 

“Heyyyyy, Ben, um,” a voice calls from behind them.

_Shit._

Rey stares back and forth between Ben and Kaydel, puzzled. “You know Connix, too?”

“...Yeah,” He nods, slow and stiff.

Kay winces, apologetic. “She uh. She saw you. You should probably just come inside.”

 _Motherfucking shit_ , he thinks.

 

“Remember what you said about the universe being against you?” he asks even as he trudges toward the agency doors. “Well, your boss, Leia -- she’s my mother. And we haven’t spoken in… a very long time.”

“Why is that?” 

She’s following him. He really wishes she wouldn’t, but what can he do? It’s not as if he can tell her, _I fucked up your car and you shouldn’t get too attached because I’m a colossal asshole and a coward_ , even as true as it is.

 

“Because I’m a selfish dick who made my parents feel bad for getting divorced? Because I can’t deal with my issues and then turned into a recluse instead of going to therapy? Because I use my career as an excuse to avoid getting close to people?” He tries to deliver it as a joke, but she only stares back at him in shock. He suddenly feels far too warm and too cold, the tension making him almost dizzy as he yanks the door open. “Or something. Who can guess.”

“You want to grab dinner tomorrow?” Rey says, hopeful. 

Too hopeful, and he shouldn’t say anything else but he can’t handle this anymore. 

 

“Listen,” he says, his chest tight, “you should know: I’m the one that hit your car. I should’ve told you sooner but we got along really well and I didn’t want--” he pauses, nearly laughing at how _stupid_ he sounds, “I didn’t want to ruin it. But I guess I did that before we even met.”

“Oh,” she replies.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll just,” she lets out a shaky breath before continuing, “I’ll get your info from Leia.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Ben nods, ignoring the look on Kaydel’s face as he passes -- she’d heard them talking, of course she had.

 

His hand clenched tight enough in his pocket that he can feel his nails digging in, he grasps the knob to his mother’s door with the other. “I really am sorry, Rey.”

“Sure, Ben,” Rey answers harshly, and she’s gone.

 

He opens the door to Leia’s office, unsurprised to see his mother studying him closely.

But rather than say ‘hello’ for the first time in years, she says: “Well. You really fucked that up, didn’t you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these nerds and their disaster lives.
> 
> OH and bonus comedy: Adam Driver is also in 'What If'. It's brilliant and hysterically funny & touching.
> 
> Come yell at me on [tumblr!](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret has weight, he ponders as he pushes himself to stand, every ounce of him heavier than it had been the day before.

“You... heard all that?” 

“It’s not a very big office, Ben,” his mother chides. 

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean for her to find out like that,” he laments.

Leia’s eyebrows raise. “Oh? And here I was thinking you didn’t intend for her to find out at all.”

“Fuck, Mom, come on--”

“No, no, I’m curious now. When were you going to tell her the truth?” she presses. “After the next date? Or the next? Six months or more?”

“Right, like she’d stick around that long.” Ben paces angrily, dragging his fingernail against the side-seam of his jeans; he’d wanted to avoid his mother for reasons like this -- she never knows when not to push and he doesn’t handle the stress well.

“If anyone would, it’s Rey. She’s not like you; but you wouldn’t know that yet.”

“Not like-- don’t pretend you and Dad were ‘always there for me’ or whatever bullshit platitude you wanna push.”

“I’ve never pretended at all, Ben,” Leia counters. “I would have apologized sooner, but _you_ left.”

“Well, I learned from the best,” he says with a huff, dropping into one of her plush office chairs.

“You’re grown up enough to make your own decisions, same as you were then. You can blame me for being busy when you were younger -- No, I’m sorry, what was it you said?”

He picks at his cuticles. “Absent.”

“Right, absent,” she scoffs. “There’s some truth to it, I guess. But ultimately, it was your choice to ignore my attempts to reach back out to you later, and you can’t deny that.”

“I did what I had to do to sort out my own shit, Mom,” he replies, suddenly tired.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know. The accident--”

“Mom, _please_ ,” he sighs. 

“The bolt snapped when the tire worked itself free, Ben. That’s not your fault.”

“Not tightening the nuts on the tire after changing it? Me. The car spinning across three lanes of traffic? Me. Not being able to get dad out of the car when the gas tank ruptured? Fucking _me_!” he shouts, the sound reverberating in the small room.

“You don’t have to live with that guilt, you could go see somebody--”

“Just. Please don’t.”

Leia’s face falls, winding her arms around herself defensively. “Alright, alright.”

He nods. It’s as close to a reconciliation as they would probably get, and even if it’s not what he wanted… “I think I missed you,” he murmurs. “Writing helps, most of the time. Sometimes… sometimes I wish I hadn’t left.”

“No, I think you might be right,” his mother counters, to his surprise. “You did what you had to do. And honestly, Ben… your writing is really very good.” 

She gestures to the shelf along the wall, an entire row dedicated to his books.

He blinks at her, struck silent, then crosses to the shelf. His fingers trace the spines of books obviously well-read but also treated with care.

_I had no idea she’d read them all_.

“You thought I wouldn’t read my own son’s work?”

“I don’t know what I thought.” Ben shrugs, still in shock. “Although…” He trails off, staring at the shelf again. “You might have said so sooner.”

He doesn’t mean to sound bitter, but he’s so _tired_.

Leia doesn’t respond at first, merely watching him with that same slight frown he’d grown up seeing. After a few moments, she finally says, “I expect you’ll be paying for the repairs to Rey’s Prius. And then I suggest you leave the poor girl alone. She deserves better than this.”

_Than you_ , she doesn’t say.

But he hears it all the same.

He nods without speaking, afraid his voice will betray him.

“Will I see you again soon?” his mother asks and her tone is hesitant, but hopeful -- like Rey’s had been not an hour earlier.

Ben heads for the door, and makes a vague gesture in the air, half _who knows_ and half _probably not_.

“Ben, please,” his mother calls, pulling his attention back. Leia gives him a watery smile. “Be kind to Rey. You owe her that.”

 

 

Ben approaches Rey’s desk cautiously, every eye in the office watching him. He sets a wallet copy of his insurance info beside her keyboard and she just sighs at him.

“I told you I’d get your info from Leia,” Rey says, her tone flat. She looks up at him, that soft expression and gentle light he’d grown so fond of distinctly absent.

“Yeah, I ah… Well, I felt like an ass, getting my mom to handle this for me.”

“No more of an ass than I already thought.”

“...Right,” he sighs. “If there’s anything your insurance gives you shit about, please call me and I’ll take care of it.”

“No,” she snaps. 

“Okay, um,” he flounders. “You have my number, so--”

“I don’t need anything else from you.” She turns back to her computer, the keyboard clacking loudly under harsh strokes.

“I wish we could start again,” he says, and her hands still for a breath before her furious typing resumes. His fingernails bite into his palm, his one grounded point of focus. “I wanted you to know that, before I left. That I wish we could be what we should have been.”

_I guess I shouldn’t have expected this to go any other way._

“I'm sorry, Rey. I’ll just… I’ll go.”

 

 

**_Saturday_ **

 

**Ben what the FUCK**

**Do we have to do this**

**YUP**

**I’m coming over**

**Lol no**

**Im enjoying quality time w this bottle of whiskey**

**Cant u just let me wallow in my misery**

**Im an asshole an a idiot**

**Message fucking recieved**

 

Twenty minutes later, Poe is -- predictably -- pounding on Ben’s door.

“Go away, Poe,” he shouts from his couch, but the abuse of his door continues.

_Regret has weight_ , he ponders as he pushes himself to stand, every ounce of him heavier than it had been the day before.

 

But rather than Poe, it’s Finn who answers. “Nice try, Ben. Open the damn door.” 

“Fuck me, I just want to be left alone,” Ben says as he opens the door enough for the chain to pull tight.

“No way, man,” Poe shoves the toe of his shoe in the door’s gap to punctuate this, “You’re gonna talk to us.”

“I’m not going to say we’re not mad, because we are,” Finn says over Poe’s shoulder, “But you gotta open the door and we’ll sort this out.”

“There’s nothing to sort.”

“Goddamnit, Ben -- _open the fucking door_.”

 

Ben stares down at Poe’s foot. “I have to _shut_ the damn door to get the chain off.”

“Oh. Right.” 

The shoe pulls back, and Ben clicks the door shut, resting his head briefly against the doorframe as he slides the chain through the slot and lets his friends inside.

“To repeat what Poe said: what the _fuck_ , Ben?” Finn asks.

Ben just shrugs, picking at the jagged hem of the old t-shirt he doesn’t completely remember putting on.

 

The night before had involved a lot of beer and binged episodes of _The Good Place_ in an attempt to distract himself from his own fuckery.

It hadn’t helped.

 

“Rey says _you’re_ the one that fucked up her car, man.” 

“Oh, so she told you.” He drops back onto the couch, staring back up at his friends — who take turns alternating between incredulity and scorn as he speaks.

“She… yes, you dumbass, of course she told us,” Poe replied. “My question is, why didn’t _you_?”

“I meant to say something before dinner, or at dinner, or after, but then…” he trailed off, picking again at his shirt.

Finn nods. “But then, Rey—”

“Yeah. Then Rey.”

 

Poe sits sideways beside him on the couch. “So… what are you gonna do?”

“Nothing,” Ben says. “She asked me to leave her alone."

_She's not like you._

Poe gestures wildly. "And you're going to listen?"

"Don't be stupid," Finn interjects, smacking Poe's shoulder solidly.

 

"I fucked up," Ben shrugs again. "My mom said Rey deserves better, and she's right. So yeah. I'm gonna listen." He emphasizes the last words, but so quietly his friends almost don’t hear.

"Wow, man. That's… You really talked to Leia?" Poe asks, not bothering to hide his surprise.

“That’s what I _said_ , isn’t it?” Ben drags a hand through his hair. He’s tired of this already.

 

“What… Um. Did you talk about… well…” Poe trails off.

“About what?” Finn asks.

Fixing Poe with a rude glare, he answers, “Poe is wondering if my mom and I talked about my dad’s death, and _no we fucking did not_.”

“Okay man, sorry. I thought, if you two talked about it--”

Ben stands suddenly, towering over his seating friends. “I don’t _want_ to talk about it, Poe, in case that was somehow still unclear to you,” he bites out, his heartbeat a dull roar in his head -- his voice never rises but he spots the wariness on Poe’s face and he’s suddenly maddeningly weary, falling back into his seat heavily.

 

"Please, please just go spend time with Rey instead of wasting your time here with me."

_She deserves better._

“Okay,” Finn says. “Should we… tell her anything from you?”

"Do her a favor, Finn: don't even mention me."

"Alright, man. We'll go."

His friends make an awkward exit, the click of the latch bolt loud in the empty apartment, and Ben returns his attention to the neglected whiskey on the table.

 

 

By 3am the whiskey is gone.

He'd regret it, because it was a pricier bottle, but his brain feels like it's made of mist and he doesn't have room for any more regret right now. 

His phone is so _heavy_ in his hand as he tries over and over to come up with a text that doesn't sound achingly desperate; he'd only known her a week, for fuck's sake, but their connection… he hadn't imagined that, hadn't counted on it, and now he missed it like air.

**Lsten im… I facked uppp**

He erases that one rather than correct the misspellings. No need to point out what they already knew.

**If we could talk 1 more time?**

His thumb jabs at the backspace button, the message too vague.

He takes a deep breath and holds it, typing furiously to get the words out before he loses the train of thought, spilling everything even though he knows he won’t hit send.

**I panicked and everything went downhill**

**I get anxious when I drive bc my dad died and it was my fault**

**that doesn't make up for being a dick to you like that**

**if you hate me I get it I made a mistake letting you slip away**

He lets the phone drop to the floor, nausea rising with his blood pressure and _maybe that was too much whiskey_ is the only thought he has as he dashes to his bathroom.

He falls asleep in the bathtub, cool acrylic against his cheek, his phone forgotten on the floor by the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen I promise it'll all be okay in the end
> 
> pro tip, friends: when you change a tire, tighten the damn nuts all the way -- and if the tire pops off, don't slam on your brakes because you WILL spin out.
> 
> yell at me on [tumblr](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to tell her everything. To apologize properly for the damage to her car, if she’ll let him. To tell her he finally heard what everyone was saying and found a therapist to work on his anxiety and guilt.
> 
> To tell her the best night of his life was spent with her, and even if they never got back to that point together that he’d be happy just to know her.
> 
> (But also to tell her he would give anything to get lost in her eyes and the feel of her lips again.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smallest apologies for the bad group text format, I couldn't find a way around it but it shouldn't distract too much!

**_Five months later_ **

**_Friday_ **

 

Ben's phone buzzes on the table beside his laptop, but he's so close to finishing this chapter he can taste it and pausing to read a text will just wreck his flow.

Another buzz, then a third. It's face down so he can't even see who's trying to throw him off.

> The battered ship rocks with the explosion, earning a startled sound from the copilot. 
> 
> "We've gotta get outta here or we're done for, hit it!" the pilot shouts. "Why haven't we cleared out these other fighters?"
> 
> The copilot grumbles in protest: the guns are heat-locked.
> 
> "Great," the pilot says. "Fastest in the fleet but no guns to cover my own ass."

His phone buzzes twice in quick succession and he practically growls as he flips it over to mute the conversation, pausing when he sees the notifications are from a new group thread with Rose, Finn, Poe...and Rey.

 

(Rose)

**Okay so the last matinee is at 3:30**

**Say 3:15 to be safe because Finn’s always late**

(Finn)

**We only ever miss the trailers**

(Rose)

**I LIKE the trailers. Rey likes the trailers.**

(Rey)

**^^^Rose is right as usual, boys**

(Poe)

**Ben, you coming?**

**There’s room.**

**Bennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn**

**Guys I really cant I got 2 finish this ch**

(Rose)

**Poe owes me $5!**

(Finn)

**Pretty sure Poe owes us ALL $5**

**…**

**Did u all really bet Id be too busy**

(Finn)

**Of course we did**

 

He stares at his phone, half-amused. Maybe he _does_ work too much, if he’s that predictable. 

 

(Poe)

**Fine I’ll buy the tickets**

**BEN THAT MEANS YOU’RE COMING TOO**

**Yall r the worst friends**

(Finn)

**You love us and you know it**

**Not replying to that**

(Rose)

**K but that means you’ll be there, right**

**siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh**

**When & where**

(Rose)

**I knew it**

(Rey)

**3:15, Paragon**

**Don’t be late**

 

The echo of their last movie date sounding in his head, he swallows back his anxiety and allows himself to reply.

 

**Not on my life.**

 

 

At 3:10, Ben stands outside Paragon, staring up at the titles on the marquee.

_What the hell is_ Logan Lucky _?_

 

He’s early -- too early -- but this seemed easier than being the last to arrive, under the circumstances. There’s space on the patio, so he spends the time scrolling idly through Facebook and trying to keep himself grounded.

_She knew I was coming and told me not to be late, so she can’t possibly be mad that I’m here...right?_

He wants to tell her everything. To apologize properly for the damage to her car, if she’ll let him. To tell her he finally heard what everyone was saying and found a therapist to work on his anxiety and guilt.

To tell her the best night of his life was spent with her, and even if they never got back to that point together that he’d be happy just to know her.

(But also to tell her he would give anything to get lost in her eyes and the feel of her lips again.)

 

After a little while, he hears a car pull into a nearby space and knows without turning that it’s Rey’s blue Prius. By the time he gathers the courage to turn their way, she’s standing outside the little car, watching him, and he’s not sure what to do next.

He hadn’t thought about how seeing her would feel, but now it’s like a band around his chest as he tries to breathe.

_Her hair is longer_ , he thinks; his brain feels like a skipping record as he tries his best not to let his gaze linger too long.

 

“Good thing Poe already got the tickets, it’s 3 minutes to showtime,” Rose says as they approach, shoving Poe towards the automated kiosk.

“It’s just the trailers!” Finn insists.

“I like the trailers,” Rey, Rose, and Ben reply in unison. 

“Yikes, I think you’ve been outvoted,” Poe jokes, separating the tickets and passing them out.

“At least everything is reserved seats these days, you know? Could be worse,” Finn counters.

“Yeah, yeah,” Rey says. “I’m getting the biggest popcorn they have. See you inside.”

 

Finn, Rose, and Poe start to file into the row ahead of him and Ben freezes mid-step. “Don’t you think I should maybe _not_ sit next to Rey?”

Finn pauses, but Poe waves him on, then looks back to Ben. “Well, I figured you’d rather sit between two people you knew than next to some random dude, right? Rey won’t kill you or anything, man. It’ll be fine.”

“I never knew you were an optimist,” Ben retorts as he takes his seat.

“You’re an asshole, Solo.”

“Yup.”

 

Rey returns at the start of the second trailer with her bucket of popcorn. Ben sees her eye their seating arrangement with some scrutiny, but barely hesitates before dropping into the empty seat on his right.

“Sorry about them,” she says, and shoves a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“It’s...fine,” he answers.

“No it’s not because they’re being _dicks_ ,” she says, leaning around him to glare at their friends. “But it really is good to see you again. Help me eat this popcorn, yeah?”

Of all the things he expected her to say -- _fuck off_ being at the top of the list -- that was not what he’d imagined. “...Sure.”

 

Ben’s careful not to grab for the over-buttered popcorn at the same time Rey does; he’s so tense he thinks he might combust if they touch.

He barely gives the movie his attention -- gleaning only that it is _Ocean’s Eleven_ meets Nascar and that he would probably watch it again under less distracting circumstances -- his mind instead spending much of the time enjoying the sound of Rey’s laughter.

More than once he thinks she was looking at him instead of the movie, watching him as she’d done in the parking lot earlier.

_Is she really just… not angry anymore?_

 

The five of them end up at the patio tables after the movie ends, a tray of nachos between them.

It’s easy, comfortable in a way Ben hadn’t expected it to be. Where he had planned to make a hasty retreat as soon as the lights came up, now he’s reluctant to leave -- something his doctor would rightly insist is good, he supposes.

But as always, his life is an ironic mess.

 

“Well, we need to head back,” Rose says. “Next time we can do game night or something if there’s nothing showing.”

“Right, I forgot,” Finn adds. “Rey, you ready?”

Ben resigns himself to spending the rest of the night adding to his draft, the idea less enticing than it had been earlier in the morning.

“Actually… no,” Rey pauses, resting her chin on her hand and looking at Ben. “Do you have time to talk?”

His anxiety hits him like a truck, the sudden harsh thrumming of his pulse like angry cresting waves. “Of course,” he hears himself say.

She nods, pressing the keys to her Prius blindly into Rose’s hand.

Poe laughs. “Oooookay, we’ll see you two later then…”

 

Rey turns back to him after waving goodbye to the others, her expression soft. “I thought they’d never leave. Imagine setting all this up again and then making a show of letting us have time alone.”

It takes a minute for him to catch on. “Are you saying they only did this to get us to--”

“I believe _hook the fuck up_ were Poe’s exact words, yeah.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Ben grinds out. He’s starting to feel a bit better -- _it’s just Rey, it’s fine_ \-- but he really is going to tear into Poe later. (And then probably buy him a drink as thanks.)

“Only if I get to help,” she laughs. Her eyes search his face, the play of light in the rich hazel somehow more incredible than he remembered. “You want to go to my apartment? You...did want to talk, didn’t you? I thought you might want to, but then you looked really uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he nods, slow and deliberate, carefully not thinking about the last time he’d been to her apartment.

 

On the drive there, he tries to make up for the months of silence. “Look, I wanted to apologize for--”

“Ben, I swear to all things sacred, if you apologize for my car again we’re going to fight.”

He runs his hand through his hair with a sigh. “Are we not fighting now?”

“...Did you want to?”

“No, no of course not.”

“Good. I didn’t want to either.”

 

Rey’s apartment is almost just like he remembers. He spies a couple new succulents and a Betta tank with live plants, the fish’s blue body washing to red and then soft white, but the comfortable glow hasn’t changed a bit.

“I guess...I would probably want to fight, if I were you. But I tend to hold grudges _and_ blame myself for everything, so I guess I’m...projecting.” He says all this quickly, almost rambling.

“Wow,” Rey says -- but she sounds genuinely impressed. “I heard Poe say that you were meeting with a therapist but I didn’t believe it until now.”

“Yeah I’m not exactly the therapy type,” he says with a shrug. “Or, I wasn’t, I guess.”

“You do seem more present,” she comments knowingly.

He sits on one end of her over-stuffed sofa, trying to curb his nervousness -- because, he realizes: he’s not stressed by her at all, just _nervous as fuck_ , but he doesn’t feel like he’s caught in a spiral -- and she takes the other end. “Damn, why am I paying a therapist when I could have been hanging out with you instead?” he jokes, drumming his fingers on his leg despite himself.

“Girlfriends aren’t therapists, Ben.”

“No, I meant -- _girlfriend_? ”

 

Rey reaches and her hand falls on his, the contact and careful pressure both helping him refocus and reminding him how unreasonably _soft_ her hands are. “I’m saying I know from experience how therapy works.”

“You?” he asks carefully. He wants to know her still, if she’ll let him. He'll gladly accept anything she'll give.

“Well, yeah,” Rey replies, her gaze locked on their hands, “being abandoned by one’s parents at a very young age and then being abused and taken advantage of for years… that tends to require therapy.”

“I guess that explains why you were so upset when I left.” Ben flips her hand in his grip, his thumb sliding across the back of her hand. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

She looks back up at him, letting out a little sigh of laughter. “It’s not like it’s your fault that I have problems with rejection.”

“I _did_ say I’m good at misplaced guilt,” he jokes. 

 

She makes an odd face, and he worries he shouldn’t have said anything. “About that…” Rey says, and pulls her hands back; the loss of her touch feels like poking at a fresh scar, but then she draws out her phone. She passes it to him, hugging her knees to her chest and allowing him to read the drunken, rambling text he’d sent months ago.

“I don’t remember sending you this,” he says honestly, but also knowing that he’d been too drunk to remember how he got in the bathtub.

“I tried to ask Leia about what happened but she said it wasn’t her story to tell.”

“I think the text sums it up,” he replies dismissively. Making abstract and passively self-deprecating jokes are one thing -- discussing the root of his traumas is another.

Her hand twines with his again. “You can’t expect yourself to carry this forever.”

"Yeah, I know, I'll get there.  Not today, but eventually." 

She smiles at him, a small thing on it's own, but he finds he's all the more grateful for it after everything. He had missed this more than he realized, maybe. 

 

She tugs gently on their joined hands, shifting toward him. "Can I sit with you?" she asks, her voice low, and all he can do is nod as his heart races. She leans against his chest, drawing his arm around her with a quiet sigh.

"Rey, I just didn't want to make it sound like I was giving you an excuse for…" he pauses as she looks up with an expression of amused challenge, and decides to move past the apology. "And, listen, I was going to leave you alone like you asked but, well. There was whiskey involved."

"Finn and Poe told me," she says with a smirk. 

"Of course they did, those assholes." 

"Don't be _too_ hard on them, Ben. They obviously care about you a lot. They only said as much as they did because I asked if you were okay after I got your messages."

"...Oh." He watches the fish in its little tank on the shelf across the room, trying to piece together what she was saying, tracing idle shapes against her shoulder. "So… you're just. Not mad at me anymore."

"Right."

"Just like that?"

"Ben, it was months ago. Of course it wasn't _just like that_."

"Oh."

 

"But… you said you wanted us to have a chance to be what we should have been. Do you still mean that?"

" _Y_ _es_. Abso-fucking-lutely. You deserve--" he sighs, deliberately correcting himself, " _We_ deserve to let ourselves have that."

"Then yes, I meant what I said," she tells him, lifting his hand from her shoulder to press a kiss to the knuckles. " _Girlfriend_. I mean… if that's what you want?"

"Fuck, Rey -- I've never wanted anything more."

" _Good_ ," she replies, and leans further into him.

 

“So… now what?” he asks, heart in his throat.

“How about dinner next week?” Rey smirks, and continues, “I hear the _au poivre_ at Opus is just incredible.”

He tries to fight the smile that breaks on his face, but he knows she would rather see it. "Yeah. I'd like that. And this time I already have my stupid nice clothes," he finishes, making her smile with him.

"For now…" she says and slides one hand into his hair, pulling him down to her. 

When they kiss, slow and soft, and then wander toward her bed, her face is alight with such open affection it might ruin him -- and he finds he wouldn’t mind that at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys -- I love this fic so much and I'm so happy to see it finished. I hope you've all enjoyed it as much as I did <3
> 
> come yell at me on [tumblr](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
